Identity

I am a Christian. What kind of Christian? A Bible believing, Gospel living, Jesus loving Christian. I know what the LORD has done and continues to do for me. I have seen His faithful hand in and over every area of the life He chose to give me. None of which I'll ever deserve. Does this make me immune to trouble, pain, suffering? No.

Full disclosure, I have struggled a lot over the last several months. Everything from intense depression where I struggled to get out of bed, had to drag myself to work, had extreme difficulty doing anything but sleep. I resorted to self-harm again to feel anything. Had several kitchen floor meltdowns. And avoided church or asking for help because I felt like a fraud. This season Jesus has me walking in has hurt more than ever before. Watching loved ones hurt and suffer sucks. Add work drama and difficulty with a dog, every one of my "safe" spaces has been invaded. It "isn't supposed to be this way."

I'm "supposed" to have my crap together because I love Jesus and claim to follow Him. I'm "not supposed" to go through a two week struggle with depression. I'm not supposed to resort to poor behaviors to "fix it." I'm not supposed to dislike reading my Bible, avoid talking with Jesus, or quit living life and merely exist in it. I'm not supposed to be anxious, stressed, or face difficulty that pushes me from Jesus. This blog is to show how I've drawn closer to Him, not the parts that have drawn me away, right?

I shouldn't struggle not to swear at work. I shouldn't struggle with frustration while at work towards coworkers or the people calling in. I shouldn't struggle with frustration towards family or friends, or my dog. I shouldn't feel the pain and anguish of others or let my emotions show through in heart-wrenching situations. I shouldn't struggle with anxiety or intense fear of losing loved ones. I shouldn't stress over people's opinions of me in how I behave at work or just while out and about. I shouldn't worry about the barking dog I have to leave at home to provide for myself. I shouldn't worry or stress about providing for myself. I shouldn't feel these things at all. I "should be" immune because of Jesus. I should put on a show and pretend nothing ever bothers me ever. I should be a fake and a liar, put up a facade that I have it all together. And then I'll fit the picture of a "Christian". The one we have painted for ourselves. We go to church, wear that facade, pretending everything is fine. We leave and live the rest of the week in avoidance, exhausted at the never-ending game of pretend that we "must" maintain. Thus we stay right where the devil wants us. Living a lie. I have much more to say on this but at a later time. Only that you should show up at church the way you are but leave different than you came. If that's in pajamas because you managed to drag yourself out of bed to show up amid depression, that should be celebrated, not condemned.

Being a Christian does not equal comfortable living. It actually encourages the exact opposite. If I am comfortable, I don't need Jesus. If I am comfortable, I'm not living in reliance, in faith, trusting God's provision and protection. I'm going to miss God-given opportunities because I didn't want to leave the "cozy" prison cell in disguise.

Faith is not the absence of fear, but the demonstration of courage in the face of fear; it's taking action regardless of the "feeling" and believing, knowing, Jesus will come through. Being a Christian does not make me immune to challenges, hardships, pain, suffering. It is not to be a facade that "I have it all together." Being a Christian means I acknowledge the one who created me and own who I am in Christ. It means I acknowledge my unworthiness, my sinful self, and believe that He died on the cross and rose again three days later to save me from the punishment of death that I deserve. It means that when, not if, when those challenges, hardships, pain, and suffering comes, in Him, I stand through it because I believe His hand is still upon me. Still guiding me, leading me, protecting me, and providing for me. He becomes my shelter, my refuge, my fortress, my rock. He is my peace, my hope, my joy. He promises to carry me when my strength fails, and in my weakness, He is strong.

No more facades. No more pretending. No more wasting the time I've been given. I am a Christian. No longer ashamed to admit it. I love Jesus and I'm not going to be afraid to say it. I am His daughter by blood adoption and I own it. And even though this season of life is challenging and painful, He's with me in it. I'm still not okay, but I'm better. Even though I don't see it, Jesus is working through this. Tonight, I'm taking a tiny step in trusting Him with it.