Testimony

My declaration for this blog is to be, real, raw, and speak truth. And yet, the thought of typing out my story/testimony makes me sick... but here it goes:

I am a mess. I was a disaster. What kind of disaster? An anger, rage filled, anxious, addicted to pornography, cutting, and an eating disorder, disaster.

Growing up in a large family as the middle child, I often felt unseen and forgotten. I seemed to be too young to fit in with my older siblings and too old to fit in with the younger kids. This was not the case all the time. I was included on many fun adventures with both my older and younger siblings. Usually though, if I was not adventuring with my sister just a couple years older than me, I was on my own in my own imagination land, writing stories, listening to music or playing outside.

When I turned 12 years old, things started to change. Emotions began to hit me like bricks and I had no idea what to do with them. I do not believe it was intentional, more-so that it just was not realized, but it seemed that in our family, emotions were not a thing. They were not really talked about or explained, and more often than not, we did not react to them. I'm not saying there were never expressions of anger, laughter, happiness, or tears. Only that they were not labeled in essence or understood as normal and okay. It's hard to explain. In essence, because of how I perceived emotions or lack thereof from those around me, when they began to hit me like bricks, I quickly became overwhelmed with how to handle them. I found writing one outlet, and listening to music another, however, I was still confused by what to do with them.

Somewhere along that journey, I discovered pornography. And it quickly became an addiction and distraction from feelings and emotions. I do not remember how I found it, but all it took was one video. I was fascinated in a way and didn't want to stop watching. My parents at the time had timers set on the computers and a rule that school had to be done first before using any extra as free time. I would spend as little as possible on my school, enough to get it done and do it well so my mom could see it was done and would not make me re-do it, and the rest watching video after video of porn. It changed the way I looked at people and the way I viewed the gift God meant for a man and woman committed in marriage. And I struggled with this addiction for the next 6 years of my life on and off. Having only once told my parents about it after the first couple weeks then putting up a facade that it was no longer an issue.

The year 2017 hit and I was then 13 years old. I entered womanhood and the emotions I was struggling with already, became even worse of an issue as they came in even stronger waves. Enter anger. I was frustrated that I could not handle my thoughts and feelings. I became bitter towards my family for not seeing my struggle and my difficulty. For seemingly not caring about the real me: the full of rage, emotional little girl. The twisted part of that bitterness, I was putting up a facade for those very people. Attempting to be the "perfect" daughter, sister, cousin, grand-daughter, and friend. I did my very best to not let them see that confused, lost, angry, and lonely little girl. But then my other great-grandma passed away and the day after finding that out, we were moving, about which I was not happy. I let that facade fall for a time, seeing people dote on my siblings in their pain of loss and felt jealousy for being ignored in my own. I don't remember much other than I had a short fuse and yelled often. It did not last too long as I realized I hated being the one hurting those I love. Enter cutting.

It started with scissors, then I found a dull knife. Eventually, I got my hands on box cutters. Whenever I got full of rage, I'd escape to the bathroom and slice my shoulders. The rage would dissolve quickly and I'd become numb. Which I figured was a good thing. This quickly turned into depression and I began struggling with body image. I got my first job and threw myself into it, as well as my schoolwork, using them both as distractions. My eating began falling away, I'd miss meals, then started skipping them because my pants would be too tight and I felt fat. Enter the beginning stages of an eating disorder. And my depression only escalated.

I attempted to end my life twice by suffocating myself. I figured no one would miss me because no one saw me to begin with. That Jesus would not possibly still love me and besides, I was too angry with Him to want to love Him. The only thing that stopped me was I didn't know where I would go. Yes, I accepted Jesus as my LORD and Savior when I was seven or eight. Even got baptized. I figured that I'd gone too far for Him to still accept me into Heaven, especially if I was the one ending my life. So I muddled through until I became extremely anxious on top of everything else. Always afraid of something terrible happening. Finally, I reached a breaking point and asked for help.

I went to counseling and got tools to deal with anxiety and depression. I reached out to a couple family members and people from church and slowly things started turning around. What really made the difference was the change in my relationship with Jesus. I looked back over my diaries, all my hundreds of poems, stories, and random writings, and realized He had always been there for me. One of my closest mentors shared the Footprints poem with me, and it made me cry. Not only had Jesus been there with me, He had been carrying me through all of it. Even though I'd been rebelling from Him. This mentor helped inspire me in more ways than I can count. I watched her struggle with cancer for years, and her joy rarely wavered. She was a testament to me that regardless of how I feel in a situation, it doesn't change who God is. She helped me grasp the truth that feelings are not bad, but I cannot let them dictate my life because they are just as faulty as the human heart, which is easily deceived. When she finally passed, my heart broke. It still hurts, but even at her funeral, she inspired me through a letter she wrote and wanted read allowed.

I realized I didn't have to clean up my act to come to Jesus. Yes, I'd prayed and read my Bible, went to church, did devotional time with my family throughout those years of struggle, but I never let myself tell Jesus how broken I was or how I was feeling. He knew the whole time of course, and was waiting patiently. Piece by piece, I brought Him the shattered disaster of a human I'd created. And piece by piece He's been putting me back together, making a beautiful masterpiece. This change has only been in the last three years of my life.

Even up until a few weeks ago, when my pastor preached on the "zombies" of our past, I wasn't willing to even name mine out loud. I was not willing to let the chains completely go. I felt sick, and stayed after church late until everyone was gone. I knew I had to name them all and let Jesus erase them, redeem them. I wrote them on a white board and thought it would be easy to wipe them off again. Instead, I fought with Jesus for two hours after that, walking out of the room multiple times, wrestling the thoughts the devil was throwing in my head that Jesus could never forgive those. And even if He did, that He was asking me to share about them and people would disgrace me. I finally curled up on the floor in that classroom and cried until I could cry no more. Jesus gave me the strength to stand and one by one erase those words: pornography, anger, depression, anxiety, and eating disorder. The zombies that I'd stuffed in a closet and let secretly define who I was. And finally, my heart was set free and I stepped into who I am in Christ. His beautifully broken daughter.

No joke, my hands are shaking, I'm sweating, and I'm about to sob like a little baby. Jesus is so good. I have never deserved it, will never deserve it. What I've done, what I feel won't change who He is. He is so amazing! He can take the ugliest of wounds and heal them. He will redeem what is bad for His glory and our benefit. Not because He has too, but because He wants too. He loves you the person, and is calling you out of sin. He is not judging, He is not condemning. His is waiting with His arms opened wide, waiting for you in all your disaster to say, "here is my shattered heart Jesus," so He can pull you close and tell you, "it's all I've wanted my child, welcome home." God sent His only son to DIE FOR YOU in a sinful disaster, He brought Jesus out of that grave to RESCUE YOU, to REDEEM that sinful disaster (see below verses).

And to those who have been afraid to share their stories, their testimonies: Stop allowing the devil to speak lies into your mind. To truly move past our zombies, we have to be able to name them, not just in secret, but out loud. To rebuke who we were before Christ and step into our Identity IN CHRIST. To realize it isn't about how terrible we have been, but how amazing God IS. That's why we share, that's why we cannot keep silent. It's about how great GOD IS, how faithful GOD IS, IN SPITE of what we do. And remember, it does not matter what other's think. Human opinion is futile because human race is sinful. Jesus' opinion is the only one that matters. And when we truly believe that, and realize He isn't up there frowning, but instead smiling when He looks at us, something changes in our hearts as we grasp the Truth we've been avoiding. There is NO- ZERO, condemnation in Christ (Romans 8:1-4). You left the sin and Jesus feet, don't leave the testimony too. Take that with you and tell the world how you became a Rose, even with the thorns still attached.

Yes, I am a mess. Yet, I am HIS mess. His scarred daughter, whom He is redeeming with every broken piece of the heart He has given me, that I hand to Him. I rest in His arms, knowing Christ is my identity. It's not an easy place to stay, even though He has called me out of my sin, I still choose sometimes to fall back into it. Then I come crawling back in filth to Him. He pulls me up, cleans me off, and welcomes me home again in a loving embrace. He will do that for you too. If you only choose to believe and accept who He is. You just have to reach out. It's a painful journey, it's not an easy process, everyone would do it if it was. It is, however, a worthwhile one. I sought fulfillment in things that clearly did not work out well. I became a disaster with each new thing I tried. Until I came crawling back to Jesus covered in all the disaster I'd made. Only then, did I find what I was looking for. He saw me, He sees you. He wants me, He wants you too. Just reach out, please, reach out.

Romans 3:23 "For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God."

Romans 5:8 "But God demonstrates His own love for us in this: while we were STILL SINNERS, Christ DIED FOR us."

Romans 6:23 "For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life through Christ Jesus our LORD."

Romans 10:9 "If you declare with your mouth, 'Jesus is LORD,' and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you WILL be saved."

Romans 10:13 "Everyone who calls on the name of the LORD will be saved."