Vulnerable

I am one word away from turning into a rage monster and breaking down, one word away from giving up, one word away from shutting down- throwing my towel in. To say I have been at the point of exhaustion for months, is an understatement. I am lower than exhaustion. I am so ready to quit my job, find a quiet mountain top, get a dog, and live out the rest of my days alone with Jesus. I don't want to give myself to anyone else anymore. I'm so tired. I legit can't hardly type/spell as I write this.

Half of my battle is wrestling with Jesus. Okay fine, most of it is. Why am I fighting Him? He's called me to stay exactly where I am and I want to know why. Except I do know why and I don't like the reason. Doesn't seem worth it. This is selfish me.

It's not about the job at all, it's about my attitude going through it and the witness I am being as I do so. It's about the people. Jesus took my comfort zone and hit it out of the park when I first started working there. Then I chased it down again, so He burned it. Leaving me two options- keep chasing something that no longer exists, or turn to Him. And for a time, I thought I was doing well turning to Him. Ha. What a joke.

I'm not okay. I am in tears one moment and wanting to break things the next. I've struggled to sleep, I struggle to eat, I struggle to think. I feel as though I'm being asked to keep going with no gas in my tank. To run a marathon with two broken legs and one half working lung. To keep climbing Mount Everest without oxygen. This is dramatic me with twisted humor. I know the truth. I don't want to accept it. I want to stay in my bubble of self-pity and wallow in despair about what He's asking me too do because "it's too much!"

My heart is heavy Jesus. I didn't want to go through this stuff again and the hardest parts haven't even come yet. I know why you're calling me and I have to admit I hate it. You only understand exactly what is on my heart and mind. I can't explain it with words. Help me Jesus, I'm going crazy. So let it go. My grace is sufficient for you, my power is made perfect in your weakness. I won't make you let go child, you know I won't. I want you to choose it, choose to live in freedom- to live in truth, to know your worth to me and embrace it. I love you child, I'm here with you still, no matter your choice. The ball is in your court- I have never failed and I won't start now. Will you trust me?

It's not going to get easier is it Jesus? I'm going to keep coming to these breaking points and be left with this same decision the rest of my life... ? My grace is sufficient for you. Hope in me my child- I will renew your strength. Should I even post this? It's depressing. It's life. It's real. It's truth. Oh honey, I hold your aching heart, I know your pain as my own. I wish you wouldn't choose to struggle this way. I'm still mad at you Jesus! You know I didn't want this. This world sucks! My promises have not failed. I am coming again. Hold on a little longer darling, just a little longer? I just want sleep Jesus, I want rest and I want peace. And a dog. I'm pretty pathetic right now. But you're about to smile, and you've put a smile on my face. :-) Remember? Yeah, I remember. And I'm sorry, again. I trust you Jesus, I really do. Now rest. Okay. Crazy faith, here we come. Now you're talking like my true daughter. Buckle up kiddo! Hold on tight. :-)

Yeah, this was different. I'm better though. This is the Jesus I know, and He's awesome all the time no matter my feelings. He gets me because He created me. He's not a voice in my head, He's my heart, my soul, the breathe that fills my lungs. I may seem crazy in this post and news flash, I actually am by worldly standards I'm a child of God, and I know it. I'm owning it. And I'm not sorry about it. When it's all said and done, Jesus is what matters most. And what He says of me is all I want to care about. So I'm diving in, once again, into the middle of God literally only knows, with what seems like crazy faith. It only gets crazier from here.